One of the big connections for me with Tori Amos is her connection to Mary Magdalene. A relationship that I have had consistently for over 30 year now. I wrote about my first experiences with Mary Magdalene in an essay that was included in the book Finding the Masculine in the Goddess' Spiral. If you want to read about that and a meditation technique that came out of that initial connection it is in there.
The song for the last two months has been Blood Roses
I think I have thrown away the graces since I was at least 13 years old. That was the time I most likely started rebelling against the type of christianity that I was raised in. There is a lot of pain and abuse that comes from the environment of the church that I came grew up in. It is definitely where I learned that if you speak up or act in accordance with your own true nature that everyone who claims to be there for you would turn their back on you. They could easily become enemies when the day before they were your closest confidante. I decided the first practice I would undertake in this journey of Blood Roses came from the book Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson. The practice was to light a candle, center yourself and pray the Lord's Prayer in reverse while visualizing chains falling off. It is a practice that you do the same time for three nights. So i did it. Did that practice really change anything? No. No scary demon popped up to drag me to hell. Not that I was worried about that. But also my thoughts and feelings didn't really change. I did cry a but for the boy that I was. The boy who suffered mentally and emotionally by such a repressive harmful experience. There has been enough time and distance between my spiritual break from the church of my youth, and my growth into a Witch who has taught for over 10 years and helped found a magical school. I did not get anything from that practice, but for others I am sure it can be a life altering experience to do something so "heretical".
After that I began to study the Kabbalah. An area that I was always fascinated by, but one that i always struggled to understand. I started with a book called The Goddess and the Tree. For me it helped explain each sphere of the Tree of Life in an easy and graspable way. So I started to fill a notebook with the information that would help me.
Then on March 21st I received news that a friend of mine from New Orleans was found dead in his home. It threw me for a loop for a few days. But tracing the energies and paths of the Tree of Life, and understanding the process made it easier.
"The Belle of New Orleans tried to show me
once how to tango
Wrapped around your feet, Wrapped around like good little roses."
The Safer at Home order here in Tennessee of course has kept me at home. And while i was studying I was also cleaning the house a lot. While I was cleaning our loft where I keep all my herbs, oils, cards, altars, etc I noticed that I had neglected my relationship with Mary Magdalene. Her statutory and spikenard oil was relegated to a corner shelf, and had mostly been ignored for the last couple of years. I could feel an imploring to move her to a more focal place, and to rekindle my connection and relationship with her. That is exactly what I did.
On Good Friday I watched a relatively new movie simply called Mary Magdalene, and cried throughout most of it. I realized how much I had neglected. And how much of her magic and healing I needed.
I set her altar back up, created a special necklace, began using a prayer shawl, and used a St. Mary Magdalene rosary that I picked up in Sedona, AZ years ago. Using the book Invoking Mary Magdalene by Siobhan Houston I started 9 evenings of novenas for Mary Magdalene.
Each Novena I started with a prayer to Mary Magdalene that is written by Soror Lucia
Seven Prayers to Mary Magdalene
1. Our Lady Magdalene, holy and complete,
your mysteries are many,
Apostle of the Apostles,
blessed among women,
kindle in me the spark of wisdom
which guides from darkness into light.
2. Glory is in the One,
and in the Logos
and in the Holy Sophia.
As I go forth in faith,
let glory be revealed.
3.Love is the key to unlock the secrets
of compassion, empathy, and life.
I live to transcend this mortal coil
through the power of perfect love.
4. For so long as the truth burns
in my secret heart of hearts,
may I walk the path of faithfulness
toward the limitless light
5. From the past, let me learn
for the present, let me live
and for the future, let me strive.
May today be the holy benefactor of tomorrow.
May today be the holy benefactor of tomorrow.
6. Black, white, and red.
the egg, the phoenix, and the ouroborous.
May all things die, be transformed,
and live again in magnificence.
7. I shed the seven one by one,
through the miracle of the Logos,
and ascend to a realm beyond,
pure, transmutated, and free.
The very first night of the novena I did not feel particularly moved. I included a meditation of meeting the Magdalene in her grotto in France. The meditation was great, but it was more like visiting an old friend. We hugged. I sat at her feet and listened to her discuss the spirit. She described it as so: "We are all spirit. We are all one. I was told if I wanted to enter the kingdom I would have to become a man. No one understands that. But in time they did. We are all male and all female. Opposites and equals. Marry your ego to your shadow. Only by marrying of those energies can one fully be. Becoming a man was not meant in the physical form. Men are no more worthy than women or anyone else. Becoming a man only meant to become fully whole. All aspects of the universe, there are no genders in spirit. Someone who has receive this message and understood it is like a child. And they shall surely enter the kingdom."
The reading for the first novena was from "Thunder, Perfect Mind":
I was sent forth from the power, and I have come
to those who reflect upon me,
and I have been found among those who seek after me.
The contemplation:
The maidens saw her and called her happy;
the queens and concubine also, and they praised her.
Who is this that looks forth like dawn,
Fair as the moon, bright as the sun,
Terrible as an army with banners?
-Song of Solomon 6:9-10
As I said this first night didn't particularly move me. I persevered however, and continued the other 8 nights of novenas. The second night the reading discussed the 7 demons that the bible refers to Mary Magdalene being healed from, but in the Gospel of Mary the soul ascends thorough 7 manifestations of wrath.
1. darkness
2. craving
3. ignorance
4. lethal jealousy
5. enslavement of the body
6. intoxicated wisdome
7. guileful wisdom
This sprang a connection in my head that perhaps this was about climbing the tree of life in Kabbalah starting with Malkuth, because the top 3 spheres on the tree are not attainable fully while in the human body.
1. Malkuth Vice: inertia Virtue: discrimination
2. Yesod Vice: idleness Virtue: Independence
3. Hod Vice: Dishonesty Virtue: Truthfulness
4. Netzach Vice: Unchastity Virtue: Unselfishness
5. Tifareth Vice: False Pride Virtue: Devotion
6. Geburah Vice: Cruelty Virtue: Energy
7. Chesed Vice: Bigotry Virtue: Obedience in line with the Source's Desire
This is the night I realized I need to start a Kabbalistic practice while doing the Magdalene Devotion. However, that would wait for another 7 nights til I finished the original novenas.
During this inital novena process I was feeling lost. My desire to continue with GEODE (the mystery magical school I helped found) was waning. I was constantly being assaulted by a student's anger, disappointments, and just general paranoia which seemed to stem from unattended mental illness. Which drove me into my own stressed out space. But still I stayed the course with the novenas always being open to whatever might come up but not having any expectations. The doubts continued well into the process of the novenas.
From day 6:
"How often do I feel like I am screaming into a void. even after having experiences
which I have felt and experienced the divine.
I find myself wanting.
Perhaps that is just the human experience,
and is more about finding the Divine
even when you feel abandoned."
From day 7:
"Novenas are supposed to lead to understanding.
Its day 7 and I feel just as confused if not more.
I wanted a deeper connection to Mary
and a practice.
But I am not finding either tonight."
Then on day 8 thigns started really opening up, and I started feeling this immense connection and understanding. It is a hard thing to explain because I can't point my finger and say "THIS" happened. But its more of a clarity, a sense descending upon my mind. Day 8 I had found myself ina situation with my student and her continuing with GEODE. Personal issues between her and another student had escalated, and honestly, it could have been easily resolved and healed from. However, she was not interested in growing and told me that she may or may not continue with the school. Even through that I found myself here on day 8:
"As I go forth with GEODE let me know mercy
let me honor the spirits of all involved."
By the following day the student had decided to quit, and sent very hateful and just mean spirited messages to me and other mentors/teachers in the school. I neither raised my voice to her nor did I respond to her messages in a hateful way. I wrote a beautiful separation ritual for her and the other members of the school. She refused to attend, and even lashed out at me about that. The ritual would not occur until the 25th of April (5 days into my Kabbalistic and Magdalene devotional work). On the final night of the novenas, the day an exstudent tried to tear me down I found myself writing this:
"[Name redacted] has decided to leave GEODE, and that is her choice.
Honestly, it is probably best for the school...
...She claims a higher calling,but I doubt it.
But who am I to judge.
I can only approach the situation with compassion.
I feel like I have.
I have a created a kind ritual for separation.
I hope it goes the way I intend.
I can only hope to be a lamp, mirror, door, or a way to those
who seek.
Not everyone will want the light,
reflection,
entryway, or direction
and that is okay."
Finishing the 9 nights of novenas I began to understand the mysteries of acceptance, compassion, and hope. Still I needed more. So the following night I started adding in Kabbalistic meditations with Magdalene devotions.
That process will be part 2, though.
I think its easy to see the "war" of Blood Roses wasn't about fighting the outside world. But the war within myself. Deeper understanding and growth continue for the next 10 days (which only ended last night). Thank you for going on this journey with me.
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