Blood Roses - Kabbalistic Magdalene Devotion

It's probably best to just drop straight down into this post. Since moving forward into the work through Tori's album Boys For Pele I have found that trying to structure a lesson, "song", experience just doesn't work very well. But when you settle in and just let go staying aware the lessons begin to emerge. I did for the last month create and design a structured spiritual practice, but it wasn't originally intended to be part of this Boys For Pele blog experience. However, it ended up being that way.

One of the big connections for me with Tori Amos is her connection to Mary Magdalene. A relationship that I have had consistently for over 30 year now. I wrote about my first experiences with Mary Magdalene in an essay that was included in the book Finding the Masculine in the Goddess' Spiral. If you want to read about that and a meditation technique that came out of that initial connection it is in there.

The song for the last two months has been Blood Roses

The song almost comes across that its time to go to war. And so that is how I originally approached this lesson. Going to war, Throwing away the graces as Tori sings in the song. SO what did that mean for me?
I think I have thrown away the graces since I was at least 13 years old. That was the time I most likely started rebelling against the type of christianity that I was raised in. There is a lot of pain and abuse that comes from the environment of the church that I came grew up in. It is definitely where I learned that if you speak up or act in accordance with your own true nature that everyone who claims to be there for you would turn their back on you. They could easily become enemies when the day before they were your closest confidante. I decided the first practice I would undertake in this journey of Blood Roses came from the book Mastering Witchcraft by Paul Huson. The practice was to light a candle, center yourself and pray the Lord's Prayer in reverse while visualizing chains falling off. It is a practice that you do the same time for three nights. So i did it. Did that practice really change anything? No. No scary demon popped up to drag me to hell. Not that I was worried about that. But also my thoughts and feelings didn't really change. I did cry a but for the boy that I was. The boy who suffered mentally and emotionally by such a repressive harmful experience. There has been enough time and distance between my spiritual break from the church of my youth, and my growth into a Witch who has taught for over 10 years and helped found a magical school. I did not get anything from that practice, but for others I am sure it can be a life altering experience to do something so "heretical".

After that I began to study the Kabbalah. An area that I was always fascinated by, but one that i always struggled to understand. I started with a book called The Goddess and the Tree. For me it helped explain each sphere of the Tree of Life in an easy and graspable way. So I started to fill a notebook with the information that would help me.

Then on March 21st I received news that a friend of mine from New Orleans was found dead in his home. It threw me for a loop for a few days. But tracing the energies and paths of the Tree of Life, and understanding the process made it easier.

"The Belle of New Orleans tried to show me

once how to tango

Wrapped around your feet, Wrapped around like good little roses."

The Safer at Home order here in Tennessee of course has kept me at home. And while i was studying I was also cleaning the house a lot. While I was cleaning our loft where I keep all my herbs, oils, cards, altars, etc I noticed that I had neglected my relationship with Mary Magdalene. Her statutory and spikenard oil was relegated to a corner shelf, and had mostly been ignored for the last couple of years. I could feel an imploring to move her to a more focal place, and to rekindle my connection and relationship with her.  That is exactly what I did. 

On Good Friday I watched a relatively new movie simply called Mary Magdalene, and cried throughout most of it. I realized how much I had neglected. And how much of her magic and healing I needed. 

I set her altar back up, created a special necklace, began using a prayer shawl, and used a St. Mary Magdalene rosary that I picked up in Sedona, AZ years ago.  Using the book Invoking Mary Magdalene by Siobhan Houston I started 9 evenings of novenas for Mary Magdalene. 

Each Novena I started with a prayer to Mary Magdalene that is written by Soror Lucia

Seven Prayers to Mary Magdalene

1. Our Lady Magdalene, holy and complete,

your mysteries are many, 

Apostle of the Apostles,

blessed among women,

kindle in me the spark of wisdom

which guides from darkness into light.

2. Glory is in the One,

and in the Logos

and in the Holy Sophia.

As I go forth in faith,

let glory be revealed.

3.Love is the key to unlock the secrets

of compassion, empathy, and life.

I live to transcend this mortal coil

through the power of perfect love.

4. For so long as the truth burns

in my secret heart of hearts,

may I walk the path of faithfulness

toward the limitless light

5. From the past, let me learn

for the present, let me live

and for the future, let me strive.
May today be the holy benefactor of tomorrow.

6. Black, white, and red.

the egg, the phoenix, and the ouroborous.

May all things die, be transformed, 

and live again in magnificence.

7. I shed the seven one by one,

through the miracle of the Logos,

and ascend to a realm beyond,

pure, transmutated, and free.

The very first night of the novena I did not feel particularly moved. I included a meditation of meeting the Magdalene in her grotto in France. The meditation was great, but it was more like visiting an old friend. We hugged. I sat at her feet and listened to her discuss the spirit. She described it as so: "We are all spirit. We are all one. I was told if I wanted to enter the kingdom I would have to become a man. No one understands that. But in time they did. We are all male and all female. Opposites and equals. Marry your ego to your shadow. Only by marrying of those energies can one fully be. Becoming a man was not meant in the physical form. Men are no more worthy than women or anyone else. Becoming a man only meant to become fully whole. All aspects of the universe, there are no genders in spirit. Someone who has receive this message and understood it is like a child. And they shall surely enter the kingdom." 

The reading for the first novena was from "Thunder, Perfect Mind":

I was sent forth from the power, and I have come

to those who reflect upon me,

and I have been found among those who seek after me.

The contemplation: 

The maidens saw her and called her happy;

the queens and concubine also, and they praised her.

Who is this that looks forth like dawn,

Fair as the moon, bright as the sun,

Terrible as an army with banners?

-Song of Solomon 6:9-10

As I said this first night didn't particularly move me. I persevered however, and continued the other 8 nights of novenas. The second night the reading discussed the 7 demons that the bible refers to Mary Magdalene being healed from, but in the Gospel of Mary the soul ascends thorough 7 manifestations of wrath.  

1. darkness

2. craving

3. ignorance

4. lethal jealousy

5. enslavement of the body

6. intoxicated wisdome

7. guileful wisdom

This sprang a connection in my head that perhaps this was about climbing the tree of life in Kabbalah starting with Malkuth, because the top 3 spheres on the tree are not attainable fully while in the human body. 

1. Malkuth      Vice: inertia              Virtue: discrimination

2. Yesod          Vice: idleness           Virtue: Independence

3. Hod             Vice: Dishonesty     Virtue: Truthfulness

4. Netzach       Vice: Unchastity      Virtue: Unselfishness

5. Tifareth        Vice: False Pride     Virtue: Devotion

6. Geburah       Vice: Cruelty          Virtue: Energy

7. Chesed         Vice: Bigotry          Virtue: Obedience in line with the Source's Desire 

This is the night I realized I need to start a Kabbalistic practice while doing the Magdalene Devotion. However, that would wait for another 7 nights til I finished the original novenas.  

During this inital novena process I was feeling lost. My desire to continue with GEODE (the mystery magical school I helped found) was waning. I was constantly being assaulted by a student's anger, disappointments, and just general paranoia which seemed to stem from unattended mental illness. Which drove me into my own stressed out space. But still I stayed the course with the novenas always being open to whatever might come up but not having any expectations. The doubts continued well into the process of the novenas. 

From day 6:

"How often do I feel like I am screaming into a void. even after having experiences

which I have felt and experienced the divine.

I find myself wanting.

Perhaps that is just the human experience, 

and is more about finding the Divine

even when you feel abandoned."

From day 7:

"Novenas are supposed to lead to understanding. 

Its day 7 and I feel just as confused if not more.

I wanted a deeper connection to Mary

and a practice.

But I am not finding either tonight."

Then on day 8 thigns started really opening up, and I started feeling this immense connection and understanding. It is a hard thing to explain because I can't point my finger and say "THIS" happened. But its more of a clarity, a sense descending upon my mind. Day 8 I had found myself ina situation with my student and her continuing with GEODE. Personal issues between her and another student had escalated, and honestly, it could have been easily resolved and healed from. However, she was not interested in growing and told me that she may or may not continue with the school. Even through that I found myself here on day 8:

"As I go forth with GEODE let me know mercy

let me honor the spirits of all involved."

By the following day the student had decided to quit, and sent very hateful and just mean spirited messages to me and other mentors/teachers in the school. I neither raised my voice to her nor did I respond to her messages in a hateful way. I wrote a beautiful separation ritual for her and the other members of the school. She refused to attend, and even lashed out at me about that.  The ritual would not occur until the 25th of April (5 days into my Kabbalistic and Magdalene devotional work). On the final night of the novenas, the day an exstudent tried to tear me down I found myself writing this:

"[Name redacted] has decided to leave GEODE, and that is her choice. 

Honestly, it is probably best for the school...

...She claims a higher calling,but I doubt it.

But who am I to judge.

I can only approach the situation with compassion.

I feel like I have.

I have a created a kind ritual for separation.

I hope it goes the way I intend.

I can only hope to be a lamp, mirror, door, or a way to those 

who seek. 

Not everyone will want the light,

reflection,

entryway, or direction

and that is okay." 

Finishing the 9 nights of novenas I began to understand the mysteries of acceptance, compassion, and hope. Still I needed more. So the following night I started adding in Kabbalistic meditations with Magdalene devotions.

That process will be part 2, though. 

I think its easy to see the "war" of Blood Roses wasn't about fighting the outside world. But the war within myself. Deeper understanding and growth continue for the next 10 days (which only ended last night). Thank you for going on this journey with me. 

A long Ass Initiation

Photo Credit: Cindy Palmano

I have neither forgotten about this blog, nor have I forgotten about my underworld journey through the album "Boys For Pele". What I have discovered is like Eurydice when entering the underworld it is easy to lose track of time, and lose the course you are traveling on. Also, like Orpheus it is easy to doubt your own beliefs and convictions, turn to prove yourself right and end up having to face your own consequences and losses. In Orpheus' tale he loses Eurydice when he turn to prove to himself that she is in actuality following him out of the Underworld breaking the rule set forth by Hades and sending Eurydice back to the Underworld. In my case facing parts of my own psyche, personality, and ego I thought I had faced and handled previously.

So I did my Initiatory Rite. I drank my Chtonic Cordial, and Invoked Isis and Epona.

I allowed the songs Beauty Queen and Horses to fill the space and my being. I connected. I communed. I felt like puking. The cordial hit a resistance at the top of my stomach, and fought to come back up. Sometimes witchcraft and magic is like that. You have to surrender to it, and remove your body's normal response to allow the flow of magic in. I forced myself to keep the magic in, and I descended.

And Holy Hel did I descend. So here I have to make mention that the Underworld is not the fire and brimstone that is preached from the pulpits in most christians churches around the world. The Underworld can be a terrifying place, but it can also be a beautiful calm and peaceful place. After all, what better way to lull souls and spirits into staying than by presenting them with a lovely experience while slowly removing their previous identities before sending them back out in reincarnation. (But all of that is for another time.)

So for the last year I have found myself creating a new career for myself. A good stable financially, emotionally, spiritually, and creative career. March 1st marks my one year anniversary! WooHoo!! Hurray!

I also had to face some professional jealousy (not in my new career), but in a previous one. Someone from my past, and I suppose my present stepped forward and presented a body of work to the world that I had often dreamed of doing. This person got some accolades and a presence in the broad community at large. Having known this person for many years a lot of what is presented in the body of work concerning said person's life just doesn't add up with my experiences of this person. And honestly, I had to take a step back look at my jealousy, and have a come to Alleghany talk. Think of it as a come to Jesus talk, but way more serious and stern. Just a thousand mirrors made out of golden mica reflecting back at you, asking everything you never wanted to answer.

Its true I was never going to present a written body of work. Sincerely. I wrote a short 40 some page booklet and it felt like one of the worst chores I ever did. Accepting that I had to say "I can't fault someone for doing something I acknowledge I would not end up doing or completing". Did that work live up to or represent the topic well? Eh, I can't say definitively  because the writing voice was an over used hillbilly voice using words that aren't commonly in the vernacular here any longer, and it makes the whole thing unenjoyable to read.
And in that process (one in which you can see I am still facing and working through) I have to face my own ego in that I am the one who should have written that body of work. My vision, my experience, my creations would have been more true and honest. It wouldn't have been selling my Appalachian Heritage out by exploiting the Ol' Mountain Dew Hill Billy persona. At least, thats' what my ego says. But I didn't write anything. I didn't publish anything with an "official" publishing house. So who am I to say anything?
I do wish this person the best of luck in their endeavors though. Its always a pleasure to see a local person succeed. Even if there is always that little sting of regret that I or you didn't get there first.



During this year My father was also diagnosed with Cancer in his tonsils. He is currently on his last week of chemotherapy and radiation. The oncologists will be reassessing his progress, and the diagnosis after that. Talk about real Underworld shit. Facing a parent's mortality is an odd thing to do. Children usually know at some point growing up that their parents will most likely die before they do. But you don't really understand what that means until something big happens. Like my dad being diagnoses with the big C. However, the prognosis has always been fairly positive. My reactions have been to stay optimistic, and proactive.

I have watched a local school of Witchcraft I helped co-found flourish this past year as well. It originally started with just the four co-founders. We are now to 11 members and students. Our petition window opens soon for new people to potentially petition to start classes. So that is super exciting.

So next month get ready for me to be back on track. I will have another update up for you all in a little while explaining what I will be doing. 

The Next song on the album of "Boys for Pele" is Blood Roses. 

I do have certain feelings towards this song. A friend who had made New Orleans his home the lat few years died on October 31, 2019. 

So definitely expect him to make an appearance in my process of moving through the Underworld.

Have a great week or two!

Initiating the Journey- Beauty Queen/Horses

Sacrifice for the Underworld

The first track on the album Boys for Pele is actually two songs. Beauty Queen and Horses.  These songs are how I enter into the underworld to find my fire and power. 

Beauty Queen/Horses Lyrics

Hah... hah... ha-ha. She's a Beauty Queen.

Ha... in my sweet bean bag in the street,

Take it down out to the laundry scene...

Don't know why she's in my hand.

Can't figure what it is, but...

I lie, lie, lie again.

I go me some horses to ride on, to ride on.

They say that your demons can't go there.

So I got me some horses to ride on, to ride on,

As long as your army keeps perfectly still.

And maybe I'll find me a sailor, a tailor.

And maybe together we'll make mother well.

So I got me some horses to ride on, to ride on,

As long as your army keeps perfectly still.

An you showed me the meadow, and milkwood, and silkwood.

And you would if I would, but you never would.

So I chased down your posies, your pansies in my hosies,

Then opened my hands and they were empty then.

Off with Superfly sniffing a Sharpie pen, honey it's Bill and Ben.

Off with Superfly counting your

bees, oh me, honey like one, two, three.

The camera is rolling, it's easy like one, two, three.

And if there is a way to find you I will find you.

But will you find me if Neil makes me a tree.

An afro, a Pharaoh, I can't go you said so.

And but threads that are golden don't break easily.

So I got me some horses to ride on, to ride on.

They say that your demons can't go there.

So I got me some horses to ride on, to ride on.

As long as your army keeps perfectly still,

Keeps perfectly still, keeps perfectly still.

As I am using the songs as a key for my own journey I am not wholly interested in what Tori says the lyrics mean, but what and how I connect with them. As I said in an earlier post, I may skip or ignore certain songs, and that goes for the lyrics as well. So keeping that in mind I want to focus on the subject of Horses, and Pharaohs; and in turn the idea of beauty. 

Knowing that Tori invokes many Goddesses throughout this album that is where I am drawn to. These two songs brought up two specific Goddesses for me. Epona and Isis. 

Epona

The Goddesses name is derived from the Celtic word for Horse. Her worship was well known and spread through the Celtic and Gaulish lands. Epona is never represented without a horse. The imagery connects Epona with Fertility. Epona is also connected with Sovereignty and the Underworld.  She was also known to protect cavalrymen. (As long as your army keeps perfectly still).

The other Goddess that I found connected to within the song is Isis

Isis

Isis the Egyptian Goddess who is the protective mother of Horus and wife of Osiris is commonly shown as a woman seated on a throne. She is known as "The Throne Mother"; showing her sovereignty over Egypt and even the Kings of Egypt.
Isis is a warrior Goddess as well as a Goddess of the Underworld. Isis goes to the underworld to find all of Osiris's body parts to piece him back together. When Horus and Seth fight one another int eh form of hippopotamuses Isis intervenes by stabbing Seth with her magical harpoon. However, she spares him when he reminds her that they are siblings. Horus feeling betrayed by Isis cuts his mother's head off. Yet, this is not enough to kill Isis. The Gods give Isis a new head; now she wears the head of a cow. This symbol usually represented fertility and land sovereignty. 

Connection to the Song 

My main focus with both of these Goddesses leading through the song and initiating the journey is their connection to the Underworld. Both Goddess are tied to the Underworld in their respective cultures. They are both warrior Goddesses. They do not go forward in to the underworld unprepared. Epona can lead armies on the land, and calm the battles. She will help guide my hand, mind, and mouth to know when to strike and when to be silent. Isis searched to put her husband back together again, and so I am going to use her power to piece myself back together through this journey.

The Ritual

Items needed:

Chthonic Cordial

Chalice

3 white candles

Imagery of Isis and Epona

Tori Amos songs Beauty Queen/Horses

The ritual will be conducted tomorrow night on the full moon of March, 2019.

I will be sitting on the floor of my loft area with the three white candles in the form of a triangle before me. In the center of the triangle will be the Imagery of the Goddesses and the Chalice and Cordial. 

Breathe deeply a few times to relax and focus. 

(I do not normally cast a circle before starting spells or ritual, but since I am initiating an underworld journey i will at this time just for any added protection I might need during this ritual.)

Cast the circle, and light the candles. Make the intention statement:

" I, Ian Allan, am initiating the underworld journey through Isis and through Epona to search for and fight for my power and my light."

Turn on the song and allow it to fill the space and build the energy. Get up and dance or sway whatever I feel led to do. 

When the song ends return to the candles. 

Pour a little of the cordial into the chalice and raise it in a toast to Isis while focusing on the imagery, say: 

"Isis, hear me. I call you here to witness my journey. Lend me your power, your intellect, your grace to piece myself back to wholeness."

Drink the cordial

Turn focus to Epona. Pour another drink of the Cordial into the Chalice. Raise it in a toast to Epona while focusing on her imagery, say:

"Epona, hear me. I call you here to witness my journey. Lend me your sovereignty and your strength while I march forward in this journey."

Drink the Cordial.

Touch each piece of imagery and feel their powers surging through my body. 

Sit in power for a while. 

Pour another drink of the Cordial. Raise it in a toast to the Spirit World, say:

"And so it begins. I accept this journey and what it entails."

Drink the Cordial. 

Thank the Goddesses for attending and giving of their energies. Extinguish the flames, and return the imagery back to where it belongs. 

Step outside and make an offering of the cordial to the underworld and the Goddesses by pouring a drink into the chalice and pouring it on to the ground. 

And so it begins!

When You Gonna Love You

As Much As I Do?

So I realize I had not updated like I had originally planned to do. I quit my job, and I traveled to New Orleans, and I am getting things set up for another job currently. I also have another trip coming up next week -- so the idea of painting a picture or some other work of art in order to find my voice didn't happen.

The 'Boys For Pele' journeying will begin in March. I am filtering the figs, ginger, and cinnamon out of the Chthonic Cordial. It will set for one week in a new clean container until time for the ritual. I hope you join me!

I did, however, think about the topic a lot. Focused on how does one find their voice or use it. I found that a lot of the thoughts of 'I should say this, I am going to say that, etc' were not words or phrases that would have been beneficial or helpful in most situations. Actually, what I discovered is that at those times most of us are just reacting and saying things to hurt the other person because we don't want to be honest about whats actually happening. What our roles are and what we have allowed to occur because we have not previously stated, created, or upheld our own personal boundaries. 

I found myself at a meeting earlier this month. The meeting wasn't about a topic that should have been a heated subject. However, throughout the meeting personal opinions became personal missions, voices became raised and boundaries were crossed.  I understand that by allowing the other person to voice their opinion was just as important as having my opinions heard. In the moment I wish I had known and understood that. 

I have to be careful in honoring my voice without shutting other's voices out. This does not mean that I have to allow other people to walk over me or to completely disregard my personal boundaries or emotions. It is about developing appropriate communication skills and boundaries and honoring them. 

Only through that (and it will take time) can I move to the place of loving myself as much as you do. 

Creating Cordial for Chthonic Crossing

Preparing a Brandy Cordial

for initiating the Journey

In preparing for the first lesson in beginning the journey of capturing my fire through the chthonic journey of 'Boys for Pele' I decided I need to make a magical potion. The thought swam through my head taking many forms with many ingredients until the current recipe solidified.

I do not want to give away too many reasons as to why I selected the ingredients until I begin writing about the first song and provide my methods for initiating and exploring that realm.

I plan on using the cordial in a ritual at the beginning of the journey. The ritual will be typed up and added to the blog so that if anyone is joining me on this exploration you will have the entire process. 

The ingredients are few, and the method for making a cordial is relatively simple. 

(information about the ingredients after the recipe!)

Chthonic Cordial Recipe

6 figs -- diced

6 pieces of crystallized ginger -- diced

2 cinnamon sticks -- rubbed together brusquely 

Brandy -- enough to cover the ingredients

Pint Jar -- Mason Jars work well

Dice the ingredients, add them to the jar

Rub the cinnamon sticks together roughly and then add them to the jar

Pour the brandy over the ingredients until the ingredients are covered and the jar is full.

Cap the Jar and store it in a dark cool place (kitchen cabinet is a good place).

Give the Jar a shake daily for two weeks.

At the end of two weeks strain the solid ingredients out of the Brandy (fine mesh strainer or cheese cloth, works well).

Magical Properties of Ingredients

Figs are useful for travel, magical power, communication, grounding, divination and attraction. They have been connected with Isis, Buddha, Demeter, Dionysus, among many others. It is ruled by the planet Jupiter, and the element Fire.

Ginger adds the magic of power, courage, magical energy, sex, and more to magical workings. It is ruled by the planet Mars, and the element of Fire. 

Cinnamon sticks bring the magic of clairvoyance, communication, purification, divination, healing, knowledge, and passion among many other attributes. Cinnamon has been said to be ruled by many planets such as Mars, Sun, Mercury, and Uranus. The element that rules it is Fire. 

I Don't Need My Tongue to Find My Voice

Silent All These Years and The Little Mermaid

Leading up to the beginning of the ShadowWork I think it's important to focus on finding my voice. I have one. It's there. I can hear it in my thoughts every time someone mutters under their breath after I speak or arrive some where. I am prone to being awkward, and quiet. It comes off as aloof or pretentious to some, and they aren't as quiet as they think they are when they say things under their breath. Growing up I was taught to be quiet, and polite. Which really meant to be seen but not heard. Other people know better than I did, and its important that I know my place.
So I did.
I have.

Much like the little mermaid (the real, dark version) from Hans Christian Andersen I allowed my tongue to be removed so that I could fit into a world. But is it a world that I want to be a part of?

I've given up my voice, and my power at times I should have used both. I have found myself in situations that I did not want to be in because I did not want to upset someone else. I have remained silent for twenty plus years about dramas and events to keep peace. Many times it drove me to the therapists couch (at the best of times), and its driven me to cut open my own flesh (at the worst of times).

Contemplating this journey that I am initiating in roughly three weeks time I realized if I am truly going to find my FIRE, and face my Shadows I will have to find and use my voice. That the only way to bring any light to the darkest parts of my being is through speaking, writing, creating light to flash into the caverns of my being. I know that I will not come out unscathed, and I know others will not come out unscathed from my voice echoing off the walls. Or they will come out unscathed as this journey isn't about them. Its about ME. It's about how I have been Silent All These Years.

This is obviously where Tori comes in, and the connection to the Little Mermaid. When interviewed for Rolling Stone Magazine December 18, 2009 Tori said this about the song 'Silent All These Years':

"So I was with my niece Cody, who was a little girl at the time, and she's very much a part of "Silent All These Years," because she loved fairytales and stories, and we would share the Little Mermaid story -- Hans Christian Andersen and the idea that she'd lost her voice -- and watching Cody respond to this young woman giving up her essence and power, all for something else, and in that moment, I realized that when she had no voice, that just completely took me to the place where I needed to go to reclaim it."
 Like the little mermaid my tongue has been amputated. I'm sure to anyone who knows me would think that is not true. I talk a lot. I am opinionated. There is this distance, a dissociation between my voice and my soul. I continue to allow myself to be manipulated so that I do not upset business owners, partners, friends, etc.

I am writing this blog during the Lunar Eclipse which energetically is supposed to be about letting things go. So I am letting go of silence. Much like the Little Mermaid casting the knife into the sea that could free her from the spell the sea witch cast and allow the mermaid to return to the sea and live out her 300 year life I am choosing my own destiny.

And through this process I hope that I can become like the sea foam, and kiss those I love, and dance on the wind.

How Can I Find My Voice?

1. Journal- start to write. openly. honestly. allow all the thoughts and feelings to flow out.

2. Speak- use my actual voice to say No (when it is safe to do so), and be honest with why I feel a certain way

3. Create art- collage, water color, write poetry, etc

What Will I Do to Hold Myself Accountable to This Journey?

Once a week I will post something to this blog. It may be a stream of consciousness journal entry, or a piece of art (with some form of explanation).
So if anyone else is reading this help hold me accountable. Drop a comment if you see that I haven't updated in a week.

Capturing the Sonic Fire - A Shadow work through the album 'Boys for Pele' by Tori Amos

I have listened to Tori for a little over two decades. I first heard her back in the early 90s. It was the song 'Silent All These Years'. I remember seeing the video of this red headed woman singing and dancing, but I was young and didn't understand what was really happening in the song or video. Tori was filed away in the brain of a young child, and she didn't make another appearance for me until the video for the song 'Caught a Lite Sneeze.' I was mesmerized, and wanted- needed- to know more.

I ended up not being able to purchase any of her albums until 'From the Choirgirl Hotel'. I listened to that album on constant repeat for months. Then I slowly started purchasing her other three albums.
Being honest it was instant love for 'Little Earthquakes' and 'Under the Pink'. Yet, when I put on 'Boys for Pele' it was such a different sound I found myself unable to capitulate to it. I shelved it for many years.

I continued to follow Tori's career and listened to every album, and felt some form of connection to most of her later works. It was probably sometime between 'The Beekeeper' and 'Scarlet's Walk' that I decided to listen to 'Boys for Pele', and felt such a deep understanding and connection to what Tori was experiencing and recording in that album. She presented herself fully through her own journey to full acceptance of her shadow, and it can be truly unsettling when a casual listener is exposed to that type of energy.

Since connecting to the album so deeply that day I realized there would be a time I needed to peel my own skin back, and allow all the meaty, pulpy, bloody, and oozy parts to be exposed so that I can be fully comfortable in all that I am. After all, that is what underworld journeys are all about at the end of the day. Crawl through the darkness, find a tiny bit of light to illuminate the grotesque, once illuminated confront it and either destroy or assimilate it. That is what Tori did through this album, and that is what I am going to begin to do with the album as the framework for this journey.

Tori's  song writing is a tangle of culture, myth, personal experience, and divine spirituality. She seamlessly blends deities and myth of old with pop culture and occult undertones. 'Boys for Pele' plays out essentially like the hero's journey story.

I will be working from the beginning of the album to the end (18 tracks --  1 track a month). That is the goal, but as journeys aren't a linear concept totally it may change mid stream, and other songs from other albums may appear or some songs from 'Boys for Pele' may not make an appearance. I am going to explore the myths, characters, messages, and magic that flow through this album in order to capture my fire and heal my shadow.


Each song will be accompanied by mythology, images, and workings for the month focusing on the end goal. Every journey that the song takes me on will be from my interpretation and the inspiration of my understanding of the song.