I Don't Need My Tongue to Find My Voice

Silent All These Years and The Little Mermaid

Leading up to the beginning of the ShadowWork I think it's important to focus on finding my voice. I have one. It's there. I can hear it in my thoughts every time someone mutters under their breath after I speak or arrive some where. I am prone to being awkward, and quiet. It comes off as aloof or pretentious to some, and they aren't as quiet as they think they are when they say things under their breath. Growing up I was taught to be quiet, and polite. Which really meant to be seen but not heard. Other people know better than I did, and its important that I know my place.
So I did.
I have.

Much like the little mermaid (the real, dark version) from Hans Christian Andersen I allowed my tongue to be removed so that I could fit into a world. But is it a world that I want to be a part of?

I've given up my voice, and my power at times I should have used both. I have found myself in situations that I did not want to be in because I did not want to upset someone else. I have remained silent for twenty plus years about dramas and events to keep peace. Many times it drove me to the therapists couch (at the best of times), and its driven me to cut open my own flesh (at the worst of times).

Contemplating this journey that I am initiating in roughly three weeks time I realized if I am truly going to find my FIRE, and face my Shadows I will have to find and use my voice. That the only way to bring any light to the darkest parts of my being is through speaking, writing, creating light to flash into the caverns of my being. I know that I will not come out unscathed, and I know others will not come out unscathed from my voice echoing off the walls. Or they will come out unscathed as this journey isn't about them. Its about ME. It's about how I have been Silent All These Years.

This is obviously where Tori comes in, and the connection to the Little Mermaid. When interviewed for Rolling Stone Magazine December 18, 2009 Tori said this about the song 'Silent All These Years':

"So I was with my niece Cody, who was a little girl at the time, and she's very much a part of "Silent All These Years," because she loved fairytales and stories, and we would share the Little Mermaid story -- Hans Christian Andersen and the idea that she'd lost her voice -- and watching Cody respond to this young woman giving up her essence and power, all for something else, and in that moment, I realized that when she had no voice, that just completely took me to the place where I needed to go to reclaim it."
 Like the little mermaid my tongue has been amputated. I'm sure to anyone who knows me would think that is not true. I talk a lot. I am opinionated. There is this distance, a dissociation between my voice and my soul. I continue to allow myself to be manipulated so that I do not upset business owners, partners, friends, etc.

I am writing this blog during the Lunar Eclipse which energetically is supposed to be about letting things go. So I am letting go of silence. Much like the Little Mermaid casting the knife into the sea that could free her from the spell the sea witch cast and allow the mermaid to return to the sea and live out her 300 year life I am choosing my own destiny.

And through this process I hope that I can become like the sea foam, and kiss those I love, and dance on the wind.

How Can I Find My Voice?

1. Journal- start to write. openly. honestly. allow all the thoughts and feelings to flow out.

2. Speak- use my actual voice to say No (when it is safe to do so), and be honest with why I feel a certain way

3. Create art- collage, water color, write poetry, etc

What Will I Do to Hold Myself Accountable to This Journey?

Once a week I will post something to this blog. It may be a stream of consciousness journal entry, or a piece of art (with some form of explanation).
So if anyone else is reading this help hold me accountable. Drop a comment if you see that I haven't updated in a week.